A Musician's Survival Guide to Beer
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
(Author Unknown)SYMPTOM
CAUSE
CORRECTIVE ACTION
| Feet
cold and wet
Glass Being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling |
Everyone
looks up to you and smiles
You are dancing on the table Fall on someone cushy-looking |
| Feet warm and wet
Improper Bladder Control Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training |
Beer is crystal-clear
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him |
| Beer unusually
pale and tasteless
a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite Get someone to buy you another beer |
People are standing
around urinals, talking or putting on makeup
You're in the ladies' room Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) |
| Opposite wall covered
with fluorescent lights
You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar |
Hands hurt,
nose hurts, mind unusually clear
You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them |
| Mouth contains cigarette
butts, back of head covered with ashes
You have fallen forward See above |
Don't recognize
anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer |
| Beer tasteless,
front of your shirt is wet
a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror |
Your bedroom
is painted grey, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door.
Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk
a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach |
| Floor Blurred
You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer |
You are dancing
to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps
You're in a gay bar Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for back rubs |
| Floor moving
You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
Your singing
sounds distorted
The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves |
| Room seems unusually
dark
Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run |
Don't remember the
words to the song
Beer is just right Play air guitar |
| Taxi suddenly takes
on colourful aspect and textures
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside |
Last Update: 9 October 2007
Credits: Donn Mee